On Children

I became a step mother in 1998. I knew that to be a good step mom, I needed to be able to love my step daughters. I mean REALLY love them. I knew I was capable of this because as a nanny, I loved the two little girls I cared for. I knew I could love. When Kieran, our daughter, was born in 2000, my mom gave me a CD with all these great songs for kids to listen to, and for parents. One was this poem, ON CHILDREN, from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran.

The words were changed to this, and sung a Capella:

"Your children are not your children
They are the sons and the daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you
They are not from you
And though they are with you
They belong not to you.

You can give then your love but not your thoughts.
They have their own thoughts. They have their own thoughts.
You can house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in a place of tomorrow, which you can not visit,not even in your dreams.

You can try to be like them
But you can not make them just like you."

I sang this song to myself when Kieran was a baby, loving the words and really taking them in. As my stepdaughters struggled with their mother, I felt the weight of the words and what children really are. They are our gifts to raise, but we do not own them. They are not our slave labor. We can model right energy to them but we can not control them and should not try. We should guide them with good foundations and teach them when they are young but when they are old enough, we should let them live and learn, supporting them with our unconditional love. 

No one said that raising children would be easy. It isn't supposed to be. It isn't a bed of roses. But it is the difficult things in life, the challenges that we endure, that bring about the most growth and the greatest rewards.

The bottom line on raising children is to love them, no matter what they do or who they become, without condition. To encourage the potential that you see in them, without imposing them with your own baggage. It is not easy, but it is possible. 

As a parent, you should learn how to say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong", because you don't know it all and you shouldn't pretend to. Lying is a bad habit. Try the truth. 

I love my kids so much and my raising of them is by no means over. I am not perfect and do not pretend to be. I am sure I will continue to make mistakes. I do, however, know that my children are not MY children. They are the son and the daughters of life longing for itself. Some of them came through me but none of them are from me and though they are with me they belong not to me. I will give them my love but not not my thoughts. They have their own thoughts. I house their sweet bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in a place of tomorrow, which I can not visit, not even in my dreams. I will try to be like them but I can not make them just like me.

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.