Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Dying a Little

I have been picking up information from all different sources like a sponge wiping up a mess of experiments in a lab. I assume it is all for me, from my guides* and I'm absorbing it.

 I have been struggling for a long while now. Holding on to a fractured and failing marriage because I refused to even consider divorce. I will not divorce, I have told myself over and over again. It is too painful for the children. Too painful for the couple. Too painful to admit that the whole thing is just plain broken.

 Last week, during the most tumultuous full moon I have ever in memory experienced, I was brought to a place where I could finally see that divorce might be the better option. The "d" word only came up after hearing a beautiful talk from an artist who's name I can't remember. He said something to the effect that we are faced with "little deaths" all the time in our lives. Death of any kind scares us (in our society). We look at it as such a negative, something to avoid at all costs, something to run the other way from. We also loathe deaths in the form of job loss, economic uncertainty, any possible shake up of our fragile ways of life. But this wise person reminded me in his talk that it is the struggle to avoid the little deaths that holds the suffering. When we let go of the struggle, surrender and trust, we are released from pain and we float with ease into the next phase of life. If we die physically, we know that indescribable feeling of love and serenity that so many NDE-ers have described. If we surrender in trust when our job or home or loved ones are lost, we find that we are taken care of, in ways we could not imagine. We just had to surrender to get there. From the little death always comes a re-birth. Always.

I took all this in. I thought of my struggle to not let my marriage die. Then I surrendered.  When my husband came home, I opened up to him like I had nothing left to lose. I told him everything I wanted in a husband. I told him I wanted a soul mate. I joked about his next (trophy) wife and how I felt sorry for her because she would have my daughter as a step child. He said there would be no new wife. He said he wanted me. I told him he would have to show me, words weren't doing it for me any more. Actions. Be my mate. Be my friend. Be my partner. Confide in me. Love my soul that inhabits this ever-changing body. I surrendered. I was willing to let the marriage die, but it has been reborn. From the stagnant ashes, it feels new and alive. Even if it didn't, I believe the surrender freed me.  Whatever  is dying for you, I hope this helps you to release the struggle and surrender to the little death. The rebirth will undoubtedly be amazing.

* Your guides are a team of etheric entities who travel with you, in support of you, at all times. They have know you for lifetimes, eons even. They are always with you, providing support and love as well as information. One need only ask, and be open to receive. Try it.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Looks vs. Life

What's more important to you, how you look or how you live?

 It seems like a constant struggle, but my answer is definitely, "how you live".

 I find it challenging to be gentle with myself 100% of the time. It is so easy to fall into a pattern of self examination that includes comparison of myself to others, or myself from another time. I find my compassion for others to be much greater than that I have for my own beautiful vessel, which has served me so well. I should hold nothing but gratitude for all the adventures it has permitted me to experience and all the sensations I have been able to feel. I am so lucky! I have been forced to look at my vessel from other people's viewpoints and defend it vehemently, for it is the witness to my struggle. It bears the marks of my journey, which I would never trade.

My gibbous moon. Is it waxing or waning? I'm not sure.
Does it matter?

I believe that our bodies have the ability to wax and wane, lighten and fade, show smooth spots and pockmarks, much like the moon. Any moment you take a good look at your body, it is just a phase; a day, out of a month, in a year, traveling through the galaxy, and never really in the same place twice. We should gratefully notice this physical partner to our journey in this lifetime.

My sweet 16 year-old crescent. I thought I was fat because of the strength and mass of my thighs.  This  is the only picture I have of me in a bathing suit without a towel wrapped around my waist.

My full moon, shining brightly, in all her glory,  with all the light of the sun on her body.  Living!

Friday, July 15, 2011


The Moon yesterday pulled my skin off and left me looking at what was underneath. You know the experience of not seeing something no matter how hard you try, then, finally, it becomes visible to you and you can never return to the "not seeing it" stage? That's what happened.

I saw a lot of underneath stuff. Of myself and my relationships, especially my marriage. I can never go back to not seeing. I have been changed. We have been changed.