Stephanie and Ted left today. I know their being here in Santa Barbara was only temporary but I have grown fond of our daily workout antics, our texting and just being together again. We have always been close and it hurts to have her leave. I just have to have a good cry, admit that it hurts, feel it till it's better and make my reservations for a quick trip to Mobile, Alabama.
Feeling the "dark feelings" is something I am trying to do more of. When they are here, I'm gonna feel 'em. No more hiding the depression in the cupboard, tucking the bitchiness away in the back of the fridge. No more burying the sadness under the bedclothes. I'm wearing them out. Tears to the grocery store, runny nose in the kitchen, bad mood to the morning workout. I am going to show up real. Starting now. I miss Steph. I Am SO happy Stacy is coming but she is not here yet and so there is no distracting me from my sadness. Ouch. It HURTS.
Friday, December 25, 2009
The last few days have provided a smooth delivery back to a state of magical bliss. On the 22nd, Jill dressed herself up like a present and she, Steph and I with all of the kids, went bowling. The bitch in me hadn't boiled off by then, but it was a good start. That night, we all went to Cathy M's for an elegant party to celebrate Mom. It was fabulous and I became more blissful because I was able to put on my gown, which had been begging to be worn since September.
The 23rd was heaven. We started with a sunrise workout on the beach then a massage and a viewing of Stacy and Tony's new house. I got a nap and then, the very best thing in the whole entire universe, a trip to Jill's Winter Solstice Sweatlodge. The sweatlodge experience stopped time for me. It is a ritual that changes everything. I came away purified and renewed. Last night, Tom and I hosted the best Christmas Eve ever. Cadence's boyfriend Matt is here for Christmas, Darcy is feeling better, Maile gave us the gift of her presence and my WHOLE BELOVED FAMILY was in my house for two hours straight. I was in HEAVEN. Oh, and I was wearing a shiny red silk charmeuse strapless top and feeling pretty feisty, I might add.
This morning, I see that Santa made an appearance, leaving piles of presents on all the seating areas in the living room. It is a magical christmas.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Could it be that I started working on creative gifts for Christmas in early November so that I could be done and put my feet up and enjoy the magic sparkle around me, only, here we are on December 22 and I am surrounded by messy messes everywhere made by my very own crafting craze? What the fuck!
And then there is Brittany Murphy dying at age 32. That's just wrong. You are not supposed to just drop out without warning. It's upsetting to the rest of us, even if it was your scheduled time to go.
My meditations the last few days have been filled with christmas songs that are stuck in my head, repeating like a hit clip from 1999. Today I have to pay bills, gather gifts, clean up two half-mauled gingerbread houses to make room for making a meal tonight, oh, and the electrician is coming to stop the upstairs smoke detectors from chirping every 12 seconds.
What I would like is to be taken care of, nurtured, loved. I would like someone to tell me how beautiful I am, inside and out, not that they want me to have my hair dyed for their birthday present or that I should start taking my thyroid medication to help burn off that extra weight. I would like to have the time and desire to make dinner, or have someone else want to take on the job. I would like to finish all my gift-making and close up shop until Valentine's Day. I would like to FEEL. Feel energy rushing through me during meditation, feel the love I give and receive, feel happy, feel like laughing, feel the crying that needs to happen, feel pissed off, if that's what I need.
I think I feel better now.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I have been creating. This week it has been jingle bell necklaces on yarn for all the kids at school, gemstone earrings, bellychains and chokers. When I make stuff, like candles, therapeutic oils, and gate pulls, I can't really imagine a feeling of satisfaction from selling them, it is the thought of giving freely that thrills me. I think I'm turning into Santa Clause. I can imagine a world where we trade from our heart, our creative endeavors, our true selves and give back in appreciation for the gifts given to an individual that are meant to be shared. I find it rather funny actually, that we put so much power behind the dollar, when it's really just a silly piece of paper. And like I said, it just doesn't thrill me.