Saturday, November 10, 2012

I Know that He Loved Me.

This is bad. I have no digital pictures of my father. I even tried googling him. Nothing.  This is the last picture I have of him. That's his arm.  I am pretty sure this was the last time I saw him alive and well. It was when my beloved grandmother, Nana, had decided to quit her dialysis and invite her own passage through the end of her lifetime.  We took Nana on tour, we being my Uncle Larry, Dad's younger brother, my sister Stacy and I. We dropped in on Dad and my step mom, Linda. I think Dad was expecting Nana and Larry but Stacy and I were a surprise. It wasn't very nice of us to just drop in like that, but we did it so he would have a tiny taste of what it felt like. My father's MO was to drop by without warning. It's a two hour drive from his house to mine and nearly four hours to my sisters' houses and yet he NEVER told us he'd be coming. He would always just drop by. We hated it. We felt unprepared and like second thoughts. Frequently he missed us or we missed him. It was so sad. My dad met my son one time. Aidan was about a month old. My son. My only boy, who is now nine.

That adorable little boy in the picture above is my nephew, Ethan. He is the son of my half brother Christopher. This was my first time meeting him. I was in love.

How did this happen???? My father, healthy as a horse save for a spazmatic back, was supposed to live to be at least 85. He was active and took care of himself. He loved to create beautiful things out of old, ugly, forgotten stuff. He restored houses, many houses. I was just talking to him about this two weeks ago. I said, "Dad, you are leaving a legacy of beautiful craftsmanship behind you. You are an artist and I know that you must create because I am the same way." He said, yes, he loved restoring houses and was working on one now. He knew he had to be careful though, because injuries were such a burdon. Luckily, he had Linda, (his beloved wife of 35 years) to watch over him and keep him safe.  Then he asked if I wanted to hear a story. "Of course!", I said. He told me of Adrian, his youngest grandchild, who at 17 months loved to watch her cousins and brothers and was apparently learning from them. My dad witnessed that brilliant little mind pick up a softball, perch it on a rock, find a plastic bat and swing, handle side first and knock that ball off it's perch like she had seen the big boys do it. She retrieved the ball and did it again and again. He, my dad, was totally enraptured with the miracle of this angel and the joy of knowing that his grandkids would all attend the same elementary school together now that his daughter Tamara and her husband had moved within one block of his son, Chris and his wife Molly.

My dad was happy. It oozed out of him. I was happy for him and when we were finished talking, I told him I loved him and I really meant it. He was in a good place and I was truly happy for him. Life was good.

The next morning, while working on the roof of the house he was restoring, he slipped and fell two stories to the ground and took the fall on his head. My sisters and I were able to see him in the hospital, to hold his hand, do reiki, tell him we were sorry, to say that we forgave him, to tell him we understood that he was torn between two families, to tell him we were so grateful for Rock Creek and Thrifty ice creams and Sears portrait studios, for shiny things in the road, for fixing what is broken, for garages that become studios for craftspeople and for Love. I know he loved all of his children. I know now that my father loved me. When he died last night, after being removed from life support, I know that his life was a good life, lived on his terms and I know that he loved me.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

Ethereal Arm Wrestle

I tried to publish yesterday's post about a dozen times. Each time I reviewed it, there was something askew. The font was grey. The pictures and text were hidden. My mom's blog was unreadable when it was embedded in my blog. I was being toyed with from the energetic realms which are easily reachable with all of our electronic transmissions through the ether.

I find it amusing, this little wrestling match I am having with someone, somewhere. Dad, is that you????  Look dad, your body is still breathing, albeit it with the help of a ventilator. Your heart is still beating. Why don't you get your energetic ass back to your body and fight a little bit harder. Lets see what kind of life you've still got in you.

Monday, November 05, 2012

To Feel Love no matter what

I am a child of divorce.  I am the third daughter of the marriage of my parents and was a mere two year old when they divorced. My mother was granted sole custody of my sisters and I. Needless to say, I have issues. 

From this childhood, I learned to be a good step parent. From this childhood, I have learned to be be a wife who looks no further than the confines of her family for satisfaction. From this childhood, I have stored grief that is now seeping out of me due to the critical condition of my father who suffered a head injury from falling off a two story roof last Monday.  My mother wrote it best in a blog she published last week My Mom's Blog. Just know that no matter how big or small a parental relationship may be, it impacts you. There is always love to be had in the smallest of getures. Memories are storehouses of truth and the truth for me is simply love. That's it.  

My husband and son brought a book home last summer that enraptured me. It was called Darth Vader and Son. This book really says much to me because Luke feels love for his father even though he is of the Dark Side of The Force. He feels the good in him even though, in the STAR WARS saga, they share no memories as father and son. Luke simply feels love for his father. No matter what. This book is so sweet, it shows the love of the father for the son. I'll share a pic or two. It is by Jeffrey Brown.