Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Evolution of Doubt


Raising children provides a bit of an opportunity to study human nature. I have the privelidge of being a stepmother of two girls who are now in the mid teen and early adulthood stages of their lives, so I really have observed the course of self power that evolves as we grow. My small children, an observant and stubborn three year old and a dreamy, distractable six year old serve as my early childhood models. They are demanding of what they want. The ask for big and small, dream of trips to Disneyland and swimming with dolphins in Hawaii. They manifest with their words and in their art. They do not doubt in their ability to get what they want. My teenage children are at the stage of being afraid to want. They tell me, they can not have strong desires because their fear of not receiving or achieving is too great. Failure would be too painful. Fear of not getting is motivation for not asking, not wanting. The oldest, who is in college now, expressed her fears about not getting into the right college from the first semester of her freshman year in high school. Her motivation for learning was not to learn, but to earn the grade that would provide the best chance of getting into the most competitive schools. It was her belief that students who didn't achieve a 4.0 grade point average were doomed to sub-standard collegic experiences. When it came time to apply, she dared to not want any one college too much, for the fear of not getting what she wanted was greater than the hope that she would achieve her goal. She was confirmed when she auditioned for the UCLA school of theater, a very small, highly competitive program, and vocalized a passionate desire to be accepted into this program and was very disappointed when she did not get accepted. In hindsight, she is now a student at a small, highly respected liberal arts college in the pacific north west and has been very active in the theater department. I am now experiencing the same doubtful behavior emerging from my second stepdaughter. Now a highschool freshman, she is more mature and self-aware than most her age, but still limits her future with her verbal communication of doubt. I don't know exactly how she feels but what she verbalizes to me is the same fear her sister had about the grades and the colleges. She actually insisted to me that she was not a smart as I thought she was, implying very strongly that I didn't know the real her. Of course, this is all a bunch of "dark matter" which clouds the truth and weighs down the heart to the point of self doubt or even self-loathing. Being an optimist and a full believer and subscriber in the law of attraction, I prefer to see my children in the stage of believing in miracles and asking for the world. I know, from experience, that if there is something you really want, you can and will have it. You may have to take steps and never accept failure as an option, but you will have it. It may not fall into your lap, you may not know how it will come to be yours, but if you believe that it will happen, it WILL HAPPEN. I used to write notes to the universe or god and ask for very specific things. My husband started out as a journal entry with qualities listed and he showed up as a blind date. My child was a request made on a strip of paper placed in my Wish Box. She came to me as a positive pregnancy test on my thirtieth birthday. Our house, which we wanted to buy but couldn't (because the owner would not sell) came to us after a request was made to the universe, in writing, as a wish in my Wish Box. It was unforeseen circumstances that led the owner to a place where he needed to sell the house. My daughter was six weeks old when we signed the papers. Over and over I have made requests. I know that for me there are no limits to what I can have, so I am shooting BIG. I am shooting for the elimination of self doubt of all people. I am aiming for the birth of self forgiveness and compassion for ALL PEOPLE. I am envisioning the feeling for existing in a world where there are no limits to what we can achieve. NO LIMITS.

1 comment:

Luminescense said...

Oh I loved loved loved this blog, Shelley! This reminds me of the stuff I used to write (before I allowed heartbreak to temporarily damper my creativity and the flow of love coming out of me through my words). I wish this could be posted on every website so all people could see it. I too, am a high achiever and expect to suceed but tend to fear failure. Someone told me this week that in life, we are all kindergardners. We are learning with each step (or misstep) and as long as we are continuing to learn, we are continuing to grow. Our learning curve is high because every situation presents a new opportunity for growth, but should we decide to remain in our safe little boxes and not experience anything new, our souls start to wither and die. My friend urged me to be easier on myself. She told me that I don't have to have everything figured out perfectly. I wouldn't expect a 5 year old to navigate the waters of life and not make any mistakes, would I? Of course not. We should all be jsut as gentle with ourselves. Of course, knowing that doesn't automatically take away the desire to achieve and to remain mistake free, but I'm working on it.

There IS no failure; there's only feedback.
Thank you for helping me remember.

Love and light!