Wednesday, November 01, 2006

You Can't Hate Yourself

I have been REALLY busy. Demands for my time and energy have stretched me thin. Well not actually, I am actually being stretched fat. My children have needed me, my creative urges consume any scraps of time, I am drowning in clutter in my home and still haven't recovered from a long summer of travel. I am running on fumes and still have so much on my plate that needs my attention. I realized the other night, after consuming a substantial quantity of raw cookie dough that was part of a dinner I was preparing for my daughter's first grade teacher who had just given birth to a new baby, that I was not allowed to hate myself, for A. Eating sugar, which I have been trying to give up, and B. Induldging in the forbidden substance in such a gluttonous fashion. I wanted to hate myself. I was leaning toward the old habit of self-hatred, which is a set up for more "bad" behavior. No matter how appalling the act was, the thing I could not allow myself to do was to hate myself for the weakness that defines me as human. It is really the thing that binds us. We inevitably, on a daily basis make mistakes, do things wrong, hurt people's feelings, trip up in our goals, show ourselves as vulnerable and imperfect. Not one of us is immune to the pitfalls of the human condition. Some mistakes are huge, and made very public, some are tiny and known only to us, our little secret, like the cookie dough. Having grown up with recovering alcoholics, I KNOW about making mistakes and how important it is to find compassion and forgiveness first for yourself, so you can make amends where they are required to be made. I can only imagine the effect of every earthly individual coming to terms with their imperfect nature, and offering compassion, first to themselves, then to all around them. Can you imagine the power in that ? Whatever you have done, whatever it is, I hope you will forgive yourself and let it be considered a lesson in being human. It will not be the last mistake you make, but it may be the last one of that kind. I can't say that I won't eat raw cookie dough again. I can say that I will not hate myself if I do indulge, for that would ruin the sweetness of the experience.

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