Friday, May 14, 2010

I Know This Is Bold But...

I try to understand the body/soul relationship. I realize that my body is a vessel. I feel that my soul is luminous. I see myself reflected in so many people. I know that I am seen. I know that I am a being of beauty, but the reality is that I am over weight. My husband and I discussed it last night. He doesn't have the nerve to come right out and say it, but in a roundabout way of not denying my suggestive phrases,  I am too overweight for his liking and he would like it more if I were more fit, and less fluff. Now, I struggle with this whole concept because every day, since I was 15, I have looked at myself in the mirror and seen at least something that I could choose to focus on in a negative light. Even when I was young, firm, fit, and seemingly perfect, I couldn't see it. At 41, I have learned to love my body, the strong, capable, malleable vessel that it is, as it is, whatever that may be from day to day. Now, just like the Bonnie Rait song says, I say to my husband, "I can't make you love me if you don't".  I can keep up with my hiking and circuit training, dancing, walking fast on the beach because I love it and because my body loves to be pushed, but this may be as good as it gets. If it's not good enough, then dearest husband, I beg you to look deeper into my eyes until you see the luminous being that is inside. Maybe then you will love my body, be it fat, thin, saggy, firm, blotchy, whatever not because of it's shape but because of what it holds.

4 comments:

Denise said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kaminski Family said...

If I was a lesbian and NOT your sister..

I would TOTALLY go for you.

Kaminski Family said...

I love you no matter WHAT size your ass is.

as long as you don't walk around with one squeeky shoe. ;)

Kaminski Family said...

one last thing... you would TOTALY be good for that Serviver show... you could start a nice fire with your thighs rubbing togather! THAT"S worth keeping you around!!