You CAN Figure It Out

Physics has been on my mind lately. I've been helping Quinlan, my freshman ward with her homework and re-living the science that quantifies and predicts. In our session this morning, I boiled it down to simple steps, "write down what you know, then write down what you need to find out, then, figure out how to get there and remain willing to get there in an indirect way"- meaning using potentially more than one equation. She caught on and beautifully plowed through five or six problems with quiet resolution. I was excited. I said, "see how satisfying physics can be?" It really is easy at this level. Newton and Hawking, Feynman and Einstein and all the other physicists of our past, have derived all of the relationships which lead to the simple explanations that we call formulae. I know you are bored. You are tuning out right now. You think, "I don't get it" or some other bit of nonsense. The epiphany for me came in the simple instructions I gave to Quinlan. Write down what you know. Write down what you want to know. Figure out how to get there. This formula can work for almost any situation in life to get you from where you are to where you want to go. Anything. There are no limits. The power of intention works because you put that intention out there in your actions, in your beliefs and in your encounters with others towards a particular goal. Think about the guy in Canada who traded a red paperclip for a house (after many trades and some choice items for barter). His intentions were clear. He asked for what he wanted in every transaction. He modeled what intention and belief and hard work can do for you. He inspired hope. I also wish to inspire hope. The hardest part is knowing what you want or what you need. You have more than you think to work with in order to get it. Trust me. Go for it.

There is no Right Way

The first time I took physics in college I struggled. My professor was a young indian man who solved physics problems on his dry erase board as if it was so obvious that the problem should be solved the way he solved it. He taught with haste, annoyance and seemingly, just because he had to. I tried to learn by following his steps, by doing it his way, by memorizing the procedure that he so casually presented to his class. I didn't learn. I achieved a less than passing grade. I felt mighty stupid and quite the failure. Fortunately, my university had a repeat/delete option for students who wished for that D or F to be taken out of their GPA equation. I repeated physics and learned much more than just physics in the process. I'm not sure if it was my next professor's passion for teaching or my own maturity, but I figured out that in physics, there was more than one way to solve a problem. I had to come up with my own methods of breaking down the problem, solving each component as I understood it and arriving at the conclusion my own way. I didn't have to use the same technique as anyone else, as long as I understood what needed to be done and came up with a plan for getting there. I ended up with the top grade in a class of eighty some students and a renewed love for physics.

This lesson has stuck with me. I am a problem solver and don't give up easily. I rarely back away from a difficult situation or a seemingly impossible task. I tend to say "yes" even when I don't know how something is going to come together or where the financial backing will come from. I find things that are lost because I will not give up looking . The missing Costco card eluded me for a few days. I took a break from looking for it and ran across it when I was looking for Kieran's school pictures in the pile on my desk. The Costco card was chamoflauged on the top of my giant, illustrated oxford dictionary. Kind of like when I'm star gazing and my peripheral vision picks up the smudge of the andromeda galaxy, I had to stop looking for it to find it.

When I posted this picture, the story I have just written came to mind. The centerstone in this belly chain is Tiger's Eye. Here is what Judy Hall has to say about this stone: Tiger's Eye assists in accomplishing goals, recognizing inner resources and promoting clarity of intention. Tiger's Eye is excellent for people who are spaced out or uncommitted. It grounds and facilitates manifestation of the will. Tiger's Eye heals issues of self-worth, self criticism and blocked creativity. It aids in recognizing one's talents and abilities and, conversely, faults that need to be overcome.

Bursting out of the Box

This is love. Pure and sweet. When permitted, invited and encouraged to do what I love, love pours out of me and I create beauty. O.K., I didn't "create" this stone. The earth and time did, but I saw it, picked it up, bought it and strung it together with all these other exquisite stones. I do believe this is moss agate but I'm re-naming it "celestial agate" because it looks like a galaxy to me, or the earth from space. The secret, I'm beginning to understand, of my joy is this. I need to and should do at leat one thing a day to stir my soul and make me happy. Today it was creating this beautiful belly chain for Chizuko and another amazing piece for her mother. On Friday, it was painting a watercolor picture of the Santa Barbara Mission on the Mission lawn with my children. Side by side, we created together. I could do that every day.

I am beginning to realize that when life situations make us believe we are failures or that we have not achieved, maybe it is all just a misinterpretation. Maybe the "box" we are trying to fit into just isn't big enough to hold us. Our spirit needs to "fail" in order to be permitted to grow to its potential, to expand to its limitless dimension. When we are forced to alter our course, we are granted the gift of a new perspective. What if this lifetime is just like a ride at Disneyland, and when it's over you say, "that was scary", or "that made me sick", or " that was fun! Let's do it again!"- and you can look at what your life is at this very moment and appreciate it for the sheer experience of having it- what will it make you change? How will it lighten your heart to know that there is NO FAILURE? There are no mistakes. There is only you and the gift of this moment.

Losing My Mind, (among other things)

My Costco card just DISSAPPEARED. It was in my hand 60, maybe 90 seconds ago when I punched the numbers into the Costco website to create my "list" of items I hope to obtain during the next cupon cycle. Hey, you can save a lot during those prescribed times for buying toilet paper and toothpaste. In this case, it was a new Dell laptop, as the one I'm typing on will no longer communicate with any printer, especially the new one my husband lovingly purchased for me in March. I had been waiting for the old printer to really die before I put it into retirement. It had become tempermental about taking in the paper and could, on most occasions, be lovingly, patiently coaxed to perform. I hooked up the new printer in order to "up" the quality of some business cards I needed to print and never imagined that I would log eight to ten hours of my precious time trying to get my old (three years, this March) laptop to communicate with my new printer. It got to the point that I knew I could bring the entire hard drive down if I kept on trying. Which led me to the discussion with my husband, the biggest investor in my business, of my dire need for a new computer. Having put the word out, I was only somewhat surprised that the Costco coupon book that arrived in the mail today included a coupon for up to $250 off of a new Dell laptop. I eagerly logged on to the Costco website, which I have not, up till now, been a member. I filled in all my personal info, my mailing address and phone number, my business name and password which led me to the card number, which I copied from the card I extracted from my wallet, buried deep in the well of my purse. There was, I confess, a moment of distraction, when my six year old daughter came to me, climbed up the side of my bar chair and pulled herself into my lap, pestering me with demands about swimming with dolphins someday at Sea World. I don't believe in making promises that I can't keep, so I said that it was "unlikely" that we would swim with dolphins at Sea World. In my defense, I did throw out Hawaii as a possibility, knowing that swimming a lap with dolphins was more likely to happen that way. She stormed off, ranting that there were no dolphins to swim with in Hawaii and that we had already been there once anyway. It was then that I started looking for my precious Costco card, and up till now, my heart sinks as I report that I CAN NOT FIND IT! After searching through my wallet, purse and all adjacent drawers and surfaces multiple times, it came to me that my sweet, innocent, dolphin-loving daughter might somehow be linked to the dissappearance of my Costco card. I questioned her gently, then firmly, using the tactic of presumed guilt. I even forced her to help me look for it. To no avail.
The curse of my experience in motherhood is that I am forced to multi-task and my brain is not always up to the job. More than once I have been engaged in witty conversations on the phone and put some item that requires refrigeration into a cupboard. I have a system of organized chaos that, if left undisturbed, usually allows me to retrieve important documents and papers at will. It is the expansion of my creative spirit and the organizational requirements of motherhood that drive me to this state of frustration. My fight for a calm and serene life fuel my inner diologue of, "that was a bad picture anyway", besides, there's always more where that came from.

Serenity in the Chaos

You try and you try to gets things done, to complete, to achieve, to have success, but there are always, delays, mishaps, rodblocks, hurdles and unforseen mud holes that you find yourself falling into. The day, of course, is not long enough to feed and clothe the children, feed and clothe myself, unload the dishwasher so I can load it, clean up the kitchen so I can cook, feed the ten animals breakfast before lunchtime, log on to my e-mail, log on to the wesites where I have an anticipated presence, create things on the computer, create jewelry at my desk, print out stone properties, package and mail things out, write bills and mail them on time, listen to voicemail, answer the phone, answer the cell phone, break up the fighting children, feed them lunch, take them to local spots of enrichment, rotate the laundry, unload and load the dishwasher, pick up the debris field in every room, have a meaningful relationship, be a good friend, think of others, make sure I'm taking care of myself, write this blog, take pictures, get pictures printed, put the prints in albums, update the baby books, clean out the closets, prepare for a garage sale, take a nap, quiet my mind.....That's not even the end of the list, but it's a start. I know this is a common issue among women, who tend to have a knack for menally cataloging things that need to be done, tended to, addressed, dealt-with. It must be part of the double X that makes us acutely aware of the list of things to do and again, that XX makes us feel a twinge of responsibility in making sure it all gets done. Great.

Today, I share with you some new pieces (that can be seen on www.terracelestejewelry.com) created with simplicity (and men) in mind. My hope for you, as well as for me, is that we find all of our chores completed by some fairy or angel, husband or child, or, that what remains undone for now does not irritate us or nag us with it's incompleteness. Let us be serene in the chaos.

Loud and Clear

My throat had been hurting BAD for over two weeks. Bad enough for me to see my internist, who cultured me for strep but said it was probably allergies. To swallow was painful and my voice was beginning to reverbrate. My friend, who had seen success with reiki, scheduled me an appointment. I met with Liesel, who, with her tender touch, worked my chakra system channelling universal, healing energy through my meridian. My throat chakra was misaligned. No surprise. I was told that I needed to speak my anger. "But I can't- I don't have anger- only love, compassion, empathy..." Tears began to stream down my face. Fuck. I have anger. Unexpressed, of course. God damn it. I hate anger. I hate annoyance. I hate intolerance. I hate the weakness that comes with these shallow emotions. I hate having them. O.K. , I was willing, am willing to admit my imperfections and express my (cough) anger. Ohh, that means fessing up to my deep, old wounds from my childhood when my father left my sisters and I with only a child support check and holiday cards signed "love, Dad" to mark his paternal contribution. He had two more children, whom I can truthfully say that I have slept under the same roof with fewer than fourteen times. These children went on family vacations and had their father present at graduations and important occasions. Not that I am jelous of them. I am not. I am only dissapointed in my father for choosing to step aside and partake not in a difficult life as a father to three beautiful, strong women. As a step mother, I know first hand that divorce makes parenting far more challenging than it already can be. It is a challenge for those of us willing to get down and dirty to stand by our children, for their sake, even if it makes us uncomfortable, uneasy, unsettled, unhappy. Even if it makes us cry, we should be there for our kids. He has no excuse, he should have been there for us. He wasn't. I'm angry. But maybe a little bit less, now that I've written the words. I am healing. Using my voice. Speaking loud and clear. Even if the words aren't pretty.
By the way, my throat doesn't hurt any more. Not for eight days, since my session with Liesel.

Presence

It was sometime four or five thousand years ago that people created this stone circle. Its center stone and two outer circle stones line up with the arc of the sun during the summer solstice. It meant something, served a purpose, brought people together in ceremony or reverance. In life. We have but a short time to make our mark. We all do. Some of us do it loudly, and boldly, knowing we will leave an impression. Some of us are quiet and stealth in our passing through life, but pass nonetheless. We have presence- NOW. We breathe. We have the opportunity to create, to feel, to experience or to create experiences. We are ALIVE. We have this gift. Do you feel it? Your skin tingles with the touch of your own hand. If nothing else, we have the wealth of this moment. This breath. This opportunity. What would THEY give for what you have? This opportunity. What will you make of your today?

Precious Moments

You never know how it's going to unfold. You think you do. You say "no" to things, anticipating the outcome. You think you'll be too stressed. That it will be too hard. You never know what's around the corner. What pieces of your life will come together with that unforseen experience, with that person you sat next to on the plane. You just don't know what an experience will hold until you put your feet, your heart and your soul there. Open and ready for it. Don't let fear dictate where your path takes you. Set the anticipation, the fear, the anxiety and preconcieved ideas aside. Walk in blank, happy, open, willing, fearless.

This gargoyle was named "Ryan" by my daughter, Kieran. Ryan spent a rainy night with my belly chain in his mouth. I felt that he had information to share with me. Ryan sat to the right upon entering the castle we lived in for a week in the Burren of Ireland. Ireland was unlike anything I had imagined. I had thought it would be rainy, green and relatively sedate. I had been excited, but not extatic about our trip. I knew very little about the country. Had heard that there were better places to travel in Europe, like Scotland. The castles are more interesting in Scotland.

Ireland spoke to my heart. It said it was part of me and I was part of her, the lovely isle, fronting the stormy atlantic. The Burren, a geologic wonderland, laden with limestone, the fossilized remains of prehistoric oceans. Also, the sacred place where humans connected with the earth and the sky- utilizing the limestone sheets to form mesolithic monuments that were mathematically aligned with the solstice in summer. Ahhhh, nothing could excite me more that the unity of earth and sky. The terra celeste is part of me. In the burren were caves, formed by water carving it's space and aged gently with calcite, the mineral remains from water passing through the limestone, taking thousands of years to form the crystal stalagtites that grace us with such delicate beauty. The energy in the caves was sweet. Freed from worry, fear, anxiety. Calcite works wonders in it's ability to absorb negativity. I was submerged in my joy.

The castle, Smithstown Castle, was heaven. Built in the mid fourteenth century, it held experience, stories, feelings, time in it's granite walls and spiral stairs. It was our opportunity for time travel. The gargoyles out front were protective and amusing. Sparking joy and thought at each glimpse.

As a gift to yourself, say yes today, where you might rather say no. Let go of the fear of what you think an experience will hold and just walk into it. Keeping the smile on your face. If nothing else, you may come out of it with a story to tell.

Vacation

I'm taking a break from stress. Clutter in the livingroom, shoe collections in the hallway, toys, papers and junkmail will all have to wait for my return. Grandma will get your cereal, auntie will wipe your nose, cousins will watch you swim. Mommy needs a break. I am forced to let hours pass doing nothing but sit and gaze. I am relinquishing the urge to accomplish something in the spare thirty minutes that would be a project at home. I am on vacation and I need the break. I will soak up the warmth, the sweet sounds of the ocean waves and the kids frolicking in them. I am taking advantage, resting my hands, recharging my battery. I am thinking about you, about what you need. My creative and healing energies are being ampified in their slumber. Dreaming energy connecting to where I am needed. I never knew the warmth of the atlantic ocean, the fine, silky sand. I was raised in the Pacific, cold by comparison, laden with kelp and grasses, tar stuck to my feet. The Atlantic is a caress, gentle and calming. Soothing and inviting. I am on vacation.

Be back July 23rd, if you need me.

Full

This Wednesday is the full moon. Scientifically, I can tell you, that the full moon, because of it's position in opposing the sun, pulls the oceans (and everything else) in it's gravitational exchange. The tides are more extreme during a full moon (and even more so during the new moon). Evolutionarily, the tidal fluctuations were probably responsible for life emerging from the oceans and populating land, as it allowed oceanic life the opportunity to evolve mechinisms of survival outside that of water.

Spiritually, the full moon amplifies intentions and actions. Whatever you do during the full moon, whatever your intentions, the moon intensifies the effects. My daily goals have been to let go of judgement, annoyance, fear, struggle, and any negativity. So far so good- I have made it through a whirlwind of travel, happy and content and relatively stress free. But... my inner diologue has played a part in helping me let go of certain things. Conflict keeps rising up in me in the form of annoyance with some people. I read a profound statement that illuminated the solution to this problem. It was to imagine that person, or any for whom you foster any negativity, and hold them in your heart as perfect. Perfect where they are, as they are. To achieve nirvana is to ease all sufferring. The great thing about this is that you have the power within you to suffer or to not suffer. Even in difficulty and in pain, out mind and our heart can be serene.

So, my inner diolugue and excercise has gone something like this.... I stuggle with my feelings of annoyance by telling myself that the person bugging me is perfect, just where he/she is. I do not have to suffer. I can exchange my annoyance for love if I choose, and in the action of thinking this, I am bathed in serenity. I SWEAR it works!!!!

Of course, it is a bit more difficult to apply this technique when the subject of annoyance is your two small children arguing in the back seat of the car over a plastic tiger while you are trying to navigate a crowded freeway....but, the goal for me is to keep on trying.

I will use this upcoming full moon to set my intentions for the ease of sufferring and great abundance which I will share wholeheartedly.

What can I do for you?

Go There

Fear can be such a paradox. It can tighten your muscles, shorten your breath, make your heart race, steiffel your voice, stop you short of acting, inhibit your experiences, sabotage your successes. Fear can kill you before the thing you are afraid of has a chance to. I used to have nightmares of all the things I was terrified of. Great white sharks eating me whole, men chasing me, trying to hurt or kill me, my boyfriend cheating, my husband communing with his ex-wife, my children in danger, nuclear wepons being deployed. I have had to face all of these fears in my subconscious and realize, in the process of dreaming, that the fear is potentially more harmful than the actual thing of which I am fearful. I am very much aware of my mind's ability to manifest my reality, and so I don't entertain these fears in my waking hours. Ever. I am not afraid of identity theft, car jacking, burglury, earthquake, tsunami, fire, etc. I figure, I'll have the tools to deal with any situation that may arise and I'll keep with me my attitude, loving nature and sense of humor at all times. Hey, I know this lifetime is relatively short and I'm willing to risk being uncomfortable for the exchange of a rich, experiential life. As I'm getting older, I realize my fear is diminishing. Victims create themselves with their fear. I don't think I will ever be one. As I think about my marriage, any fears I may have carried with me up till now, have cleared, like morning fog. I hope to share this power with you. Just for today, I ask you to erase any and all fears or doubts you may have. What would you do without the fear? How will you react to a situation without the fear? How will you persue your dreams without the fear? How will you interact with your partner without the fear? Let me know how it goes.

Lust For Life

Tomorrow morning I will leave my house at two AM, pack four kids in the car and drive to LAX for a six am flight across the country. I will spend seven days in a large house with my parents, sisters, their husbands and ALL of our eleven kids. We will eat together, swim together, make messes, clean up. There will be tantrums and sunburns, singing and poetry. We will write letters and have a talent show, eat and over-eat. Some of us will be cranky at times, maybe get our feelings hurt, but we will be together. As a family. I have a lust for life. I want to both devour it and savor it delicately. I get distracted as I pack because Clarissa, the kitten, walks by me, brushing her lean teenage cat body against my leg. I have to take a moment to hold her, scratching behind her ears, feeling the rumbling purr. I will be away from my desk for three weeks. After a week on the beach, I jet off with my kids and meet up with my husband for two weeks in Ireland. He has set us up for an adventure that includes a fifteenth century single-family castle and a small village cottage. We like to live as if we were a part of a place, a part of a time, not visitors, passing through on the fringe. It will be an experience full of sensations I haven't yet had, yet already feel so familiar. I will have stories to tell anecdotes to report, musings and incidents that will inevitably change me for the better. I have a lust for life.

In Deep

There we stand, at the altar, in front of our family, friends, looking into each other's eyes and making promises about the future while not really knowing how it will unfold or what kind of people we will be when we encounter sickness and heath, richness or poverty, better times or worse. So, down the road, we have changed into different people. We have metamorphosized into fathers and mothers. Our relationship becomes more efficient and less emotional, and inevitably, we feel diconnected, discontent, lonely, and confused. We may even feel angry, betrayed, unloved and unappreciated. We seek solace. We seek comfort. If we are uncomfortable being vulnerable with our spouse, we seek it elsewhere. We get into trouble.

I have seen divorce. I have experienced it as a child, four times by my mother, whom I adore. I KNOW that marriage is hard. The way I see it is this. At the inception of marriage,we know enough about each other to make a judgement call about the future, but we are not static. We are all constantly changing and growing. We cannot expect our partners to be exactly the same from day to day, they and we, have the right to grow and evolve. I feel like I am just getting to know my husband of seven years. I do not feel that I know him completely and I never take for granted that he is an interesting, desireable person who chooses on a daily basis to spend his life with me. He is not "mine", I do not own him. His body is his and I am fortunate that he chooses to share it with me, as I choose to share mine with him. Our marriage is an exploration. As the years are passing, I feel that the roots of our feelings are growing, deeper, stronger. I am not afraid of infidelity. I appreciate my husband, look at him from the perspective of other women and let him know how handsome, sexy, loving, thoughtful and wonderful he is. He also verbalizes more and more his appreciation and affection for me. Over time, we are knowing each other more and enjoying the comingled experience of being together and parenting our children. What happens, though, when we encounter real hurdles? What happens when one of us gets sick. Really sick? Terminally ill? How do we cope? How do we hold ourselves together and take care of ourselves so we can take care them? How do we make sense of financial instability, infidelity, addictions? How do we survive as individuals so that the marriage will? Can we come out of such a conflict intact? Can we come out stronger? I think we can. I have hope, I have confidence that if we look only at ourselves, at our part, and are able to feel compassion for our partner, as much compassion as we would provide to a friend, we can survive. In marriage, we get confused and let the boundaries between husband and wife blur. We think of our spouse as us. We think of ourselves as one. We are hard on ourselves and hard on our spouse. We loose compassion, the ability to forgive human weakness, the inevitability of making mistakes. We get bruised and grow fearful. We harden and turn cold. We shut down and stop talking. We forget to voice our needs without anticipationg what the response might be. We manifest failure.

I am writing this to encourage a shift. We can heal. We can survive. We can love, even when times are tough. We can own up to our own issues. We can and should say, I was wrong. I am sorry. We can change. We can mean it when we say I love you. We can truly mean it when we make those promises about loving for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do us part. We can love deeply and feel loved completely, for lifetimes.

Get Uncomfortable

Sometimes the key to gratitude is walking into discomfort. I can remember vividly the summer after college graduation when I spent two months in Ecuador to participate in medical research with two of my favorite college professors and another student who became my good friend. Those sixty days were long, hot, dirty, and lonely in addition to being influential and beneficial for character building. We were stuck a lot in gooey, sticky, boot-sucking mud on long trails that led to houses with no outhouses or running water. No gas for fire, no dry wood for cooking, and of course, no electricity. This was the trip that started in a cheap hotel in Quito, where Dr. Rudy's backpack (with all of his money, eyeglasses, radio and other important things) was stolen on the first day, and prostitutes had the bed in the next room squeaking all night. This trip also started with a drive in a cab through a cloud of smoke that burned my eyes and nose and turned out to be tear gas from a riot to protest the escalation of the price of fuel. When the sixty days were over, and I was home again, my heart swelled with gratitude for the modern conveniences which were really luxuries. A flushing toilet, warm water, a gas stove that you could just cook on, clean water that you could just drink, paved roads. And my heart swelled with love for the Ecuadorian families who were able to create a home for their children with delicious food and joyous pasttimes like soccer while living without the modern tools we have come to take for granted in this country. Families that were young and strong and bound tightly together in the rigors of life and the simple joys that come from simple living. I came home reluctantly, missing my experiences. Missing the hostel we found in Quito, on a beautiful maple-lined street, where we had a clean room and breakfast for seven dollars a night. Missing the music and the beautiful arts available on the streets. Missing the discomfort that I learned to embrace and love and appreciate. Have you ever had an experience like that? One that makes you come home happy to see your house, no matter the state of disarray? I did it today. I worked in a doctor's office, strapped to a desk, being of service, doing everything I could. I came home to a very messy house, to children I MISSED, happy to be there. I came home happy to prepare dinner. I needed that.

I created this belly chain using Labradorite, amazonite and aquamarine. It is a powerful, protective enlightening piece. Guarenteed to make you happy and appreciative in the most difficult of situations all the while, protecting and aligning you and diminishing your fear so you are left with only the pleasure of getting uncomfortable.

How To Wear It

It's not by accident that the therapeutic jewelry I create is intended to be worn at your core. The belly is the mid point of your chakra system, the uniting locale where earth and sky come together. The terra celeste. I have come over and over to the road block of a woman saying, "I could not possibly wear a piece of jewelry at my waist. I do not have the belly for it!" I wish to emphasize to those women and to those people who are to be exposed to my work, that the belly chain has a job to do. Like a bra, who's job it is to support your breasts, the job of the belly chain is to support your upper and lower chakra systems from your median. The belly chain is most effective when it is touching your skin. It should therefore be worn under your clothes. It is for you, for your body and for, potentially, your eyes only. I have never heard a woman say, that she could not possibly wear a bra, for her body is not fit enough to wear one. I hope never to hear another woman claim that her body is not worthy of the therapeutic and nurturing benefits of the belly chain. I wear on average, three a day, under my clothes. They are not bulky. They do not jingle. I, because I am not shy about my belly, often expose the chains I'm wearing to describe what it is that I do. And, because my work is custom, your size does not matter to me. What matters to me is that the chain will encircle you, as it should. Even if you resemble Saturn, I will create your rings. I am not a jeweler. I am a practitioner. My job is to help, guide, nurture, heal, love, encourage, support and cherish. Please, do not let the condition of your body dictate your worthiness to receive my gifts. Feel free to ask any questions or make any comments. I am happy you have found me. Please let me find you.

Gratitude in the Fitting Room

I was trying on the new "miracle suit" at Nordstrom the other day. I wanted to see if I really did look ten pounds lighter in ten seconds. Here's what I saw. If I had been gazing not at myself but on some other woman in the black cross over one piece, I would have thought, "she looks nice, elegant, sleek, handsome, not a waif, but a woman, full and lovely". What I thought of myself was... I am wide, very wide from behind, my skin is lumpy, dimpled and discolored with bruises and spider veins, and where did my real body go? You know what I'm talking about. The body that was free and easy in a bikini. The body I used to self consiously wrap a towel around for the trip from my beach blanket to the water. Where is my real body? Why is this memory of my former self the model of comparison? I haven't looked like that in many years. I am thirty seven now. Still comparably young and younger than I will ever be. I realize that my body is still beautiful and my gift and absolutely deserves to be cherished even in its lumpy, puckered, blotchy form. It still allows me to be comfortablt mobile, to wrestle my children into submission, to travel, to enjoy things like food and wine, flowers and stars. My body can hear music and still dance to it. My body can make jewelry and write this essay. My body could even be one of the Dove models in the campaign for real beauty, which I love, by the way.

I didn't buy the miracle suit. I have a cute halter top and skirt left over from last summer that I can hit the beach in this summer. I am experimenting with the Go Gratitude (www.gogratitude.com) symbol in sterling silver wire as a reminder of my gratitude for my beautiful, perfectly healthy and functional body.

Right Where I Belong

Have you ever heard of "divine timing"? Its the reason you sometimes feel like you don't fit in or things just aren't going the way you want them to, or why you haven't gotten "there" yet- assuming you know where it is you want to be. Divine timing, I was reminded yesterday, as I pulled it from my angel oracle deck, means that certain things have to happen in order for you to get where you need to be. Haven't you ever gained completion of something and seen that the precarious situations that seemed so wrong were actually essential to the achievement of that final outcome? O.K., So right at this very moment, I am here to remind you that you are right where you need to be. Let your heart rest easy and worry not. Hold yourself in gratitude for all the hardships that have brought you to this point and remember to enjoy the journey because it will all be over too fast.

This belly chain contains Sugilite, which is described as one of the major love stones. It also serves as a conduit of information, reminding you of why you are here and what your purpose is. Judy Hall writes in The Crystal Bible that sugilite is useful for misfits of any kind, which I interpret as helping you know of your own divine timing. Misfits are only misfits until the puzzle comes entirely together, then they know exactly where they fit. Some of the most revered people in history were misfits. Think of Van Gogh. So, you are right where you belong. Remember to trust yourself and enjoy your journey as well as the destination.

Make My Day

I am a nurturer by nature. A giver. I have always been this way, feeling joyful in the action of making someone else feel good. I like to comfort and reassure. I find my true self when this part of me is in action. For the past year and a half, I have been trying to allow my talents and gifts evolve into action. For now, what you see before you is the fruit of that evolution. The melding of what makes me happy with that which I am good at. This piece represents the first person who began not as a friend of a friend, or even someone who knew of me, but someone who found me, as I want to be found, and allowed me to do what I do; reach out, from a distance and nurture. The stones carry the energy and intention beautifully, as beautifully as words, only more tangible. I thank you Kim, for finding me and igniting what I hope will be a blazing fire and a journey that touches many souls.

Kim requested a bracelet. I am willing to make for you what ever you feel you need or are ready for. I am especially skilled at listening and interpreting what your therapeutic needs might be. Try me. It will make me so happy!!!

There's More Where That Came From

Two years ago, I lost my position as a pharmaceutical representative with Merck. I had worked for Merck for nine years and being the loyal, patient person that I am, probably never would have left. A realignemnt of the sales force left me without my job but allowed me to retain my dignity and gradually, through the generosity of severance pay, learn how to cope as a "kept woman". I used to juggle like nobody's business. My marriage, role as a mother, stepmother, hardworking member of a team, educated, intellegent, informed face in front of physicians, and of course, I had my own creative needs.... Thinking back on it now, I don't know how I did it. I am now a full time mother, stepmother, wife, writer, photographer, jewelry designer and creator, etc.... I also keep the house running, the bills paid, the oil changed in the car, the animals fed, I work in the classroom, try and exercise regularly, maintain friendships not to mention the almost daily trips to all the different grocery stores. I know you know what I am talking about because your life is most likely very similar to mine. Do you find yourself with a half an hour and no comitments and ask yourself, "What can I get done in this small window of time?" Do you weigh the pros and cons of not picking up the toys that litter the living room floor and what you could do for your self during the time it would take for you to vacuume the scuzzy carpet? I do. My house in not even close to clean and is infrequently tidy. I figure that eventually, the kids will grow up and retreat to the confines of their rooms and in time, a long time, they will move away. My husband and I will have a zen sanctuary with bubbling fountains in our gardens and sleek yet comfortably modern furnuiture in our living areas that we will be proud to share with friends. Yes, we will have it all. Abundance, prosperity, time to relax and enjoy the quiet .... ahhhhhh.

This belly chain was created utilizing stones to attract wealth and abundance. As I put it together it emitted a feeling of never-ending resources. Of all that was needed would be there, for me or anyone else. Its name is "There's More Where That Came From" and I truly believe there is. This morning I had five children under the age of six running around the house and screaming, slamming doors, tossing pillows. You can imagine. They asked, as I was getting them out of the car at school, if I had any dollars to "kidnap Ms. Faulkner" - a PTA fun way to fundraise for a thank you lunch for the teachers at the end of the year. All I had were three fives and two singles, so I handed them out- one bill for each child. I figured that there would be more where that came from.

My Most Embarassing Moment

This is me. You may have noticed that in this picture, I am wearing a hat. And gloves. It was December, 2005. My sisters and I made reservations at some shee-shee hotel in Beverly Hills to surprise our mother for her 59th birthday by taking her and all of our female children (minus the two youngest) to high tea. I made Mom a card and insisted that we all don hats and gloves for this special occasion. My sisters thought this was a VERY BAD idea. They said, "we wouldn't be caught dead in vintage hats and gloves- no way- absolutely not." Mom said she would do it, as I knew she would. She is always game for adding a little theatrical spice to her experiences, but again, the big sisters said NO. So, being the defiant woman, and little sister that I am, I tucked a chice hat and pair of gloves from Mom's extensive vintage dress-up collection into my hand bag and off we went to tea. After our order was taken, I pulled my accessories out and put them on. "You are NOT wearing that!!" one of my sisters said, and yet, her amusement was evident, as it always is when she tells me that I have on a "NICE getup". I love this response so much that I often don creative "get-ups" just for her. My secret? I'm beyond mortification. I have been in more humiliating, embarassing situations than I can count. I haven't died yet, and It seems that these situations are always good for a laugh. For example, eighth grade, I forgot to zip my fly after fouth period P.E. on the day that all my respectable panties were dirty and I was forced to wear the ones with the kids bowling in hot pink graphics. As I sat innocently on the grass eating my lunch, Peter Gentry, a very cute and popular boy, stood over me and said, "nice underwear" with a sneer. Yeah, these things stay with you, obviously. Then there was the time in 11th grade when I walked very quickly down the crowded hall, between classes to the bathroom only to find a baseball sized spot of blood on the back of my white Norma Kamali skirt. I've gone down the slopes in the "bucket" after doing my impersonation of a human snow ball, sang solo and slightly off key at my sister's wedding, been seen in multitudes of creative but not necessarily fashionable "get ups", called people by the wrong name, had my slip show, have forgotten to wear a slip, had lipsick on my teeth, had my breast exposed or my skirt pulled down by a tantruming toddler, I have even called attention to my, large, wide ass by dancing to the song I Like Big Butts for out family talent show,and much much more. I am immune to embarassment. I actually LIKE the spice it gives to my life and others' by taking the seriousness out and putting humility and humor in. So, next time you have an embarassing moment or have the opportunity to dress up, I would like to encourage you to stand out instead of blending in. Take the risk of embarassing yourself. It won't kill you, it will remind you that you are human and part of being truly human is making "mistakes" and feeling silly. I can assure you that during our summer vacation together, I will be donning some choice get-ups for the amusement of my sisters, mother, nieces and nephews, brothers in law, step father, my children and husband. If it sparkles, shines or has feathers, I'm wearing it.